• The partners are more likely than most to share a common mistrust of emotional intimacy.
• Romantic unions in which one or both partners experienced the many betrayals associated with addiction in the past will judge that what they don’t know about their partner will eventually hurt them.
• Partners that have been victimized by addiction are more likely to struggle with maintaining the commitment needed to work through the difficult times.
• The maintenance of the faulty belief that each partner keep his or her own side of the street clean is sufficient to maintain romantic health.
• Partners or partnerships that have been victimized by addiction are more likely to under-respond or over-react to conflicts in a romance.

Radio Program: Strength~Hope~Recovery with Carol the Coach – Apr 03, 2012

If you would like to download this show on iTunes please type in the above show title in the search field of iTunes

An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention Tool

This article is the first in a series intended to introduce you to relapse prevention tools you will find in our upcoming publication entitled: Ounce of Prevention: A Relapse Prevention Guide.

The guide’s unique design and task oriented approach to identifying and intervening on your personal relapse triggers and self-defeating behaviors will help you to develop a plan for preventing relapse and enhancing the quality of your recovery.

The guide challenges that traditional notion that relapse is an event rather than a process and clearly highlights the roadside warnings that would caution you about the cliff that awaits you should you fail to change the course that you are on.

The relapse process is introduced through the identification of the various phases that we might experience prior to driving off into the ravine to a deeper bottom once we have made a decision to return to the addictive substance or behaviors that have created such havoc in our lives in the past.

The first tool, entitled What’s Your Proof, appears in the guide as a one of many strategies for intervening on the symptom of Negative Self-Talk that you will learn to identify as being associated with the first phase in the relapse process titled: Emotional Discomfort.  To introduce this symptom I will begin by referring to an old 12 Step adage.

The adage goes something like this, “If you want to know what ‘the drug’ will do to you, keep ‘using it’ and you will find out.  If you want to know what it is doing for you, you need to stop ‘using it’.”  The first part of this adage is fairly self-explanatory, as it is referring to the consequences one will pay as a result of their unbridled addiction.  The second part of the adage makes reference to the fact that one’s “drugs of choice” will be used to numb some emotional pain that is likely to resurface when abstinence is secure.  It was the wisdom in this adage that helped me to learn that the whole purpose for using a mood-altering drug or experience is to, well, alter one’s mood.

Although the idea that some form of emotional discomfort awaits every recovering addict appears to be axiomatic the way in which the emotional discomfort manifests itself many be different for different people.  One of the ways in which the discomfort can be identified is in the examination of a process referred to as negative self-talk.  Negative self-talk is negative internal dialogue we use to view the world, explain situations and communicate to ourselves in a manor that focuses our attention on what we believe to be wrong with us or our life.  Negative self-talk is a challenge of that discomfort for many of us.

Whether you are new to recovery or have struggled with relapse it is likely that you have experienced this type of challenge or defect of character.  And if you have indulged yourself in negative self-talk then you undoubtedly understand the power it has to diminish hope, evaporate self-esteem, and threaten your resolve to remain sober.  Negative self-talk can be quite seductive when we begin embracing statements such as “I have nothing to offer in this relationship” or “people will always disappoint you”.  The seductive power of dialogue with self comes in part from the comfort their familiarity brings and from the illusion of “protection” they offer from rejection.  While most will agree the position lacks logic or reason, we can find ourselves degrading ourselves before others get a chance to as if it were going to be an insulation from criticism or rejection.  So why, if it makes no sense, does not really protect us from rejection, and it does not feel good, do we do it?

Clinical experience suggests that much of the data for negative self-talk is acquired during our youth when we are the most impressionable and prone towards being egocentric.  Egocentrism, regarding one’s self as being at the center of all things, is an normal part of childhood development.  It is normal for a child to view the world around them and the way that adults are behaving or misbehaving as somehow being related to themselves.  A child is likely to internalize the pain that those around them are experiencing or creating and it is understandable that a child would think – “ what is wrong with me?”

Perhaps you find yourself asking, if being impressionable and egocentric are a part of a child’s development why do the messages still hold such power in my life today.  This is because when one becomes dependent on mood altering drugs or experiences they stunt their development and rob themselves of the opportunity to address the original messages they received.  Additionally, the older the messages are the more power they tend to have and as a result they are more difficult to change.  Therefore it is important to act quickly when the negative self-talk begins or risk succumbing to the seduction they offer.  The therapeutic assignment, What’s Your Proof?, is designed to address the seductive elements of negative self-talk.  The tool will help you to recognize that the behaviors or people who might have contributed to your catalogue of self-talk were themselves hurting and that you were a victim of their pain or suffered from collateral damage – but you were not the cause of it.

The tool is broken into four sections.  In the first section you are asked to identify one negative perception that is currently causing you injury.  Second, you are to identify the author you learned this perception from and/or who in your life would likely have agreed with the perception.  In the third section you are asked to give evidence you believe the author would have used or did use to support this perception.  In the final section you are asked to examine this author’s story and look for what in their lives would have hurt them so bad as to cause them to view you in this negative light.

If you are having difficulty completing this exercise or find that is waking up a great deal of pain please seek out professional help and allow them to guide you through it.  Once you have completed this exercise we encourage you to bring it to your support group, including your sponsor for feedback and encouragement.

* The following diagram is small image file of the described strategy.  If you would like the pdf version please Click Here.

I liked the concept of rigorous self-examination but knew little about how to begin it and more importantly I wanted someone to clarify for me what I could expect to gain from this seemingly arduous task.  More specifically my question, plainly put was:  what was in it for me?

I had received many opinions and admonitions about what would happen to me if I shirked this task but it was not until I completed my 4th and 5th Steps that I fully understood the personal payoff for me.  All of us have known individual blessings that come with the successful completion of an inventory and the sharing of it with God, another human being, and ourselves but mine was so fundamental that I was surprised that I missed it.

I had spent many years managing my hurt and other emotional challenges by formulating ways of being superior to others or developing strategies that would allow me to get even with those that had hurt me.  In the end, I was still hurt by what I had become and I had managed to injure many others, who really did not deserve it.  The insights I acquired as a result of completing my 4th and 5th Step work helped me to take editorial liberty with an adage that I had heard many times growing up: “ hurt people hurt people.” While it is true that hurt people sometimes injure others, it is not true that hurt people have to deal with the hurt by mistreating others.  My Step work helped me to translate the adage into a phrase the really made sense for me:

Hurt people oftentimes hurt people but it is not required!

My inventory helped me to acknowledge the hurts that I had endured in various circumstances and at the hands of numerous others.  The analysis of those injuries and the resentments that evolved from them could now be addressed and not obscured by the wrongs that I had done in the name of “getting even”.  I did not have to get even with those that hurt me but I did need to understand what happened and the resentments that developed over time.  Likewise the wrongs that I had perpetrated in the lives of others were no longer excused by the “eye for an eye” rule that I had used in the past to deal with the injuries I suffered.  The “hurt people hurt people” proverb began to take on new meaning when I came to see those who had hurt me as “sick people”.  Being hurt was no longer going to be an excuse or justification for hurting others or withdrawing into my self-constructed prison of isolation.  I would need to understand what drove me to hurt others and I was going to get those answers in an honest examination of my own defects of character.

The 6th and 7th Steps would help me to cope with discomfort in adaptive versus maladaptive ways and the proverb no longer seemed as unbending as before. Hurt people don’t have to hurt people.  But you will hear more about that in my next article on the Forgotten Steps.

We seek harmony in our relationship with our partner. When that harmony is disrupted because a loved one is troubled, we struggle with what to do, or not do. We must look inside ourselves to determine how to be of service to our partner without bringing our own baggage to the problem. By asking our Higher Power for guidance, we can treat our partner with the same consideration that we would give a friend or stranger in distress.

Addiction was once known as a “lonely man’s disease” and so it is, but not so for recovery. The process of recovery is intended to be a “we” experience and not an “I” experience.  Solitary recovery efforts are often short-lived and frequently just as lonely as the isolation of active addiction.  Sometimes it is difficult to be patient and withhold our fear-based judgment when our partner is in pain and does not appear to be doing what we think they should or could. Additionally, we might feel frustrated when our partner seems to seek the support of others rather than turn to us. This is the time to examine our own methods. Are we part of the solution, or are we making the problem worse by speaking to our partner in a jaded, resentful way?

The first step toward being of service to your partner is to make efforts to avoid becoming a part of the problem yourself.  When you get angry or intolerant of your partner for the way he or she is handling their problem then you are deciding that they are the problem.  If you approach your partner in this manner it should not take long before he or she begins to think that you, in fact, are the problem.  Your efforts to “fix” the problem are likely to be perceived as self-serving.  By offering your love, support, and your personal experience, strength, and hope you become involved in the solution without looking like a annoying “handyman.”  The “fix” is largely an internal job that your partner will need to assume the responsibility for no matter how much help he or she accepts.  Ask your Higher Power for help in seeing past your own fears and desire to protect yourself from your partner so that you may be helpful to your partner in their time of need.

Emotional pain or stress can not be avoided and would appear to be a fundamentally human experience. We know this; we have gone through it and understand that without a healthy process for coping with it, there can be no growth. Yet, when we see pain in our partner, our impulse is to fix it by telling them what to do. It should be no surprise when your advice is rejected, for this journey cannot be imposed on another, even or especially in the name of love.

Once you have a full understanding that “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress,” you recognize that life and recovery will be painful at times. Change from a partnership ravaged by addiction to one of recovery might at times be a harrowing process, and we may fear that all the pain we are experiencing will destroy our relationship with our partner. We must remember that it is not the pain that affects our relationship, but the way we respond to it. If we ask our Higher Power to help us see the pain as an opportunity to grow personally and reinforce our relational bond, we will be able to withstand the difficult challenges in recovery and be of service to one another. Ask your Higher Power for help in managing the pain you encounter when someone you love is hurting.

What are the potential challenges of therapists who are recovering from an addictive disorder attending meetings where their clients past, present, or future, may attend? We would like to hear from all professionals regardless of whether or not they have personal recovery experience.

Question posted by LCCS Staff

LCCS Response:

There are a great many opinions about this issue.  Some will maintain the position that the client has a right to attend a 12 Step recovery meeting without the distraction or confusion of having their therapist show up with a problem.  Others will support the idea that a therapist should forbid a client from attending the therapist’s “home group” because the therapist is entitled to get well in the safety of the anonymity of his or her own recovery group.

I believe that every addicted person should have the right to attend any meeting that he or she has met the eligibility requirements to attend.  If a recovering therapist accepts a client for an initial session and acknowledges an affiliation with a particular 12 Step group then he or she has surrendered their right to anonymity and as such should not force the client to avoid meetings that will intrude on his or her privacy.  I recognize that it can be a challenge for a recovering professional to be an honest and contributing member of a 12 Step meeting that client’s might attend.  Some will argue that it could threaten the professional’s quality of recovery to be inhibited by the presence of clients at meetings but it does not have to be that way.  I have found that the greater threat to recovery that professionals must face is working in the field of addictions treatment in the first place.

It is easy, when you are working in the therapy trenches, to see the problems you are helping your clients with to be far more significant than your own.  In fact, the focus on the problems of others day after day could leave you with the perception that you do not have any problems.  Far too many professionals working in the field of addiction treatment succumb to a case of terminal uniqueness and drop out of recovery all together and some become empty enough to relapse.  None of us is immune to relapse and all of us could develop terminal uniqueness for one reason or another.

I have found that the safest place for me to be is the meetings were I first embraced recovery with the “willingness of a drowning man clinging to a life preserver.”  I was willing to learn without regard for who the teacher was.  I have paid the membership requirements to attend many different 12 Step groups and would fight or the right for any man or woman to attend any meeting that they might find hope in – even if it is my home group.

We would like to hear from you about this issue and develop an open forum to discuss some of the challenges that you have face and how you have coped with them.

Sincerely,

John V. Leadem

Let the Slogans Guide You

Empathy can be challenging. If we are not mindful that it is by God’s grace that we are in successful recovery, it is easy to be judgmental of others who continue to struggle with their own challenges. Why are they so stuck? Why can’t they “get with the program” and do it our way? If we remember that our recovery is truly a gift – that it could have been us in their shoes – we can find the empathy and compassion to share this gift with others.

When we enter recovery from an addiction that has left our partnership battered and bruised, we hope that the relationship will survive. However, there are no guarantees, which can cause anxiety, fear, and an overwhelming need to dig into the wreckage of the past prematurely and to “drill” a little too deeply. This is the time to be gentle with one another. Asking for or giving too much detail can cause even more distress. Concentrate on rebuilding your relationship rather than sorting out each other’s indiscretions and imperfections. Recovery takes time, and asking your Higher Power to show you the way to move slowly, with love and respect, will help you to strengthen your bond and come to trust the process you have undertaken together.

When we are being of service to our partner, how much is too much? Are we forcing our solutions onto them in an attempt to make things better? Or are we able to “Let Go and Let God” take care of the things we cannot control?  If our partner, after receiving our input, does not react positively, we must pray for the wisdom to accept the things we cannot change, and acknowledge that God will take care of our partner’s needs.

Keeping the romance in our relationship can be a challenge when new hurts evoke painful memories. It may be all too easy to connect the two – past and present, but this is the time, for the moment, to live in the present and take one day at a time.  There will be time to examine and share in the healing process of our past injuries. Dwelling on the past is a no-win situation; today is the day on which to concentrate and work through. By letting go of the past until we can put it into perspective and work together to address the harms, staying in the moment enables us to face our future together. Ask your Higher Power to help you keep a healthy perspective and live for today. When you relate to your partner today, you are able to recognize the potential for love and romance in your partnership.

When we are doing well in recovery but our partner is struggling, we might have a tendency to place blame. We might feel that our partner is just not trying hard enough, and we are not at fault. This is the time to remember the slogan, “Let it begin with me.” By taking a look at ourselves and our own defects, we can stop the vicious cycle of blame and get on with understanding and love. Ask your Higher Power to help you to be the first to stand in front of the mirror for self examination.  Your changed attitudes and behaviors may inspired your loved one to seek help

Before explaining why it is of benefit to those sexually addicted it would be helpful to list the identified types used within the treatment community. They include the following:

• Voyeuristic Sex- arousal is derived from using visual stimulation to escape into fantasy
• Fantasy Sex- arousal is derived from obsessing over mental images of what is sexually possible
• Seductive Role Sex- arousal is derived from achieving “conquest” within a relationship
• Exhibitionistic Sex- arousal is derived from the reaction received from those viewing you exposing yourself
• Paying for Sex- arousal is derived from the connection formed between money and sex
• Trading Sex- arousal is derived from using sex as leverage to gain control
• Intrusive Sex- arousal is derived from violating the boundaries of others
• Anonymous Sex- arousal is derived from immediate sexual satisfaction without emotional obligation with another
• Pain Exchange Sex- arousal is derived from being hurt and/or humiliated while also being sexual
• Exploitive Sex- arousal is derived from sexually exploiting those you believe are more vulnerable than you*

These types were developed from Dr. Patrick Carnes, which appear in Facing the Shadows, and are widely accepted by sex addiction treatment professionals as meaningful categories capable of informing a sex addict and his/her own support system about how they are to develop a personalized treatment plan.

Identifying what type(s) fit an individual sex addict helps the individual develop a personalized treatment plan in two ways.  First, it helps he/she see what his/her arousal template looks like.  As a result, the sex addict could then better target what would likely trigger him/her to engage in the sexual behavior he/she is attempting to abstain from.  For example, if Paying for Sex was the predominant type identified for a sex addict then he/she should expect to feel more triggered when they receive lump sums of money outside their typical budget.  In another example, if Pain Exchange Sex was the predominant type he/she could expect to learn that they are triggered in many relationships in which they regularly feel inadequate and will have a higher likelihood of being exposed to a scenario where they are being degraded by another and consequently feel aroused.  The second benefit to the sex addict lies in helping them understand how they developed the arousal template they have.  The type or types an addict identifies will help them learn about how sexually arousing content was first introduced to them and subsequently how the “relationship” to the mood altering content began.  This information will play a significant role in helping a recovering sex addict modify their arousal template so that they can experience sexual arousal in a healthier non-addictive fashion.  To learn more please feel free to contact us by calling 732-797-1444 or by posting a comment to this post and we will reply in a timely manor.

* Carnes, P. Facing the Shadows: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2010.

No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.  We are not saints. … The principles we have set down are guides to progress.  We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection” (p. 60).

On the surface it would seem that the encouragement to aim for spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection supports the idea that relapse just happens.  While we believe that relapse can happen when one has not developed sufficient emotional and spiritual tools for coping with life’s challenges, we do not believe that it should be expected or that one should reserve their right to “fall” from time to time.  We do not believe that the program supports the eventuality of relapse, just the opposite.  The author of Alcoholics Anonymous cautions that: “If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.”

It is true that none of us is perfect.  We are not suggesting otherwise.  However, our abstinence must be perfect.  The First Step must be taken without reservation or qualification.  If you reserve the right to relapse, then you will.  There are many challenges in life that were once answered with an addictive substance or behavior but that can and will change if we are willing to go to any lengths to achieve and maintain sobriety.

Time Travel refers to an emotional stressor that can occur on the road to relapse into active addiction in which uncomfortable emotions are intensified by previous life experiences. When time travel occurs it will diminish a client’s ability to cope with the challenges of present day situations or relationships.

The notion that one’s feelings never know what time it is, is more than a light-hearted reference to the tendency for us to feel bombarded by the emotional memories of prior life experiences. Feeling memories of the past can flood current reality and generate or reinforce your client’s perception that a trusted friend or loved one is trying to hurt him or her.

A Time Travel experience is an emotional flashback. During Time Traveling your clients are emotionally reacting to a present life situation or event as it if contained the elements of an earlier time in his or her life. The emotional flashbacks, that occur during Time Travel might cause your clients to view the behavior of someone in their current experience as being more than just “similar” to the actions of someone from their past. If your client is Time Traveling, he or she could react to a person, in present time, as if the person was the individual that they had actually struggled with in past. A Time Traveler will imagine that a spouse is their mother or that a friend is an enemy from the past. Additionally, feelings from one’s past seem to influence the physical reaction they are having to a present day stressor. In the midst of a quiet disagreement with someone, we can begin to feel physically threatened and develop a sense of danger, which is actually rooted in some past memory having nothing to do with the person we are frightened of. The memories of physical threat that we feel can cause us to view someone as dangerous when in fact they do not pose any real threat to us in the moment.

Feeling memories are more readily accessible to us than the factual details of the events that are related to the flashback recall we are experiencing. The visual memories or pictures of the events in question can be the most difficult to retrieve. This phenomenon is particularly disheartening for many of us because we tend to mistrust our feeling memories and require picture proof of the authenticity of the feelings we are having or a living witness to the event to testify to the validity of our feelings. When the barrage of feeling memories is positive, like the anticipation of returning to a favorite vacation spot, the round-trip journey from present to past is a pleasurable one. It is unlikely that others will be hurt or feel rejected by our euphoric recall related to an enjoyable vacation experience even when packing and commuting hassles were lost in the recall processes. When the journey from past to present is unpleasant it generates dysphoric recall. Dysphoric recall can precipitate or exacerbate a sense of being in danger or unsafe. It is important that each of us learns to detect when Time Travel is negatively influencing our perception of reality.

The preceding excerpt is a partial description of the one of the seven phases of relapse described in Ounce of Prevention: A course in relapse prevention that will soon be released by LCCS. The task-orientated course in relapse prevention is well suited for use with individual clients and small group workshops or intensives. For information about advance order discounts please contact us by email: leadem@comcast.net or phone by calling 732-797-1444.

Starting the Day

How will you start your day? Are you thankful for the relationships in your life? Starting the day with gratitude for your partner or the awareness you have for a romantic bond in your life is a way of  starting the day with a glass half full. Be mindful of the tendency for our most treasured relationships to be taken hostage by unrealistic expectations, that our partner could be the sole answer to all of our needs. Self-examination and spiritual guidance helps us to focus our energies so that they promote personal well-being and healthy romantic bonds.

Similarly, our expectations of the world around us and our ability to get the “job” of living done can become overwhelming when we do not stay focused on a greater purpose in life.  Recovery wisdom encourages us to focus our energy on being of maximum service to the God of our understanding and our fellows in recovery.  Taking your partner’s hand in prayer will help you to focus your attention on “being” rather than “doing.”  The choice to grow and change in life by demonstrating the courage and acceptance that defines us as partners could lead us to an understanding of a greater purpose than completing life’s tasks.

Making a commitment with your partner to devote time to reflection together actively shifts your priorities toward the relationship. The tasks and To Do lists will always be there, but taking the moments to reinforce your relationship with your partner and your Higher Power will strengthen your resolve to achieve your shared goals. When you and your partner are devoted to spiritual time together, you will find yourselves more resilient to life’s potholes.

You have made a commitment to share a bond with your partner at the start of your day. By keeping your loved one close to your heart, you will be able to rely on that love during the day, and the confidence it brings will give you great support and a secure grounding. When you start the day by renewing your spiritual bond with your partner and then reflecting on that shared meditative moment during the day, you nourish and energize your relationship.

The love that you cultivate in your partnership can bear emotional fruit that others find appealing and want to emulate. Couple communities strengthen our own relationships. Allow yourself to be of service to other couples. Share the love and empathy that you have with your partner with other people in your life. By giving of yourselves, you increase the amount of positivity you have in your lives.

How will you start your day?

This brief introduction to the benefit of a “Shared Program of Recovery” will unfold in greater measure with your exploration into One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples, Leadem & Leadem, LCCS, 2011.