Relapse Prevention: A Family Affair July 19th, 2018 posted by: John Leadem to Addiction Treatment [apss-share networks="facebook, twitter, google-plus, pinterest, linkedin" counter="0" total_counter="0" http_count="1"]

 Relapse Prevention 

A Family Affair

 

We believe that the significant others in the life of a person suffering with addiction are keenly aware of when there is an addiction problem or the storm clouds of a relapse into active addiction are beginning to build overhead.  We have had conversations with thousands of family members of addicts in the throes of active addiction who are able to describe the process of relapse that precedes their loved one’s return to his or her drug of choice. Some will be fearful and some will be angry.  They come to us flooded with a wide range of emotions in mood states that are representative of emotional intoxication.  All of them are clear that something is wrong and things are about to get much worse but most will have no idea how to help.  Unfortunately, far too many of them will attempt to confront the issue or the person of their concern on their own and the outcome is usually not effective. For more information about forming an Intervention Team, and its importance refer to our article, How Can Family Intervene on Addiction.  We also hear quite often from the addicted person him or herself who is trying to determine the extent of the problem they are experiencing.

We receive a great many calls at Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services from folks that are struggling with the consequences of an untreated or minimally treated addictive disorder.  Most of them are looking for help but occasionally we receive a call from someone wondering whether or not help is warranted.  No I am not talking about those folks looking for a diagnostic assessment to determine if an addictive disorder is contributing to the distress he or she is experiencing in life.  This call was from a man who had diagnosed himself to be alcoholic over 10 years ago prior to his marriage and the birth of his first child.  He and his wife had fought many times about her concern that his drinking was going to leave her without a partner, whom she loved and a father for her children.  He agreed that it might be horrible if that were to be her fate but ultimately dismissed her concerns because she could not produce any examples of direct consequences she or the children, ages 14 and 7, had experienced as a consequence of his drinking.  He had repeatedly encouraged her to seek professional help for her fear but had no intention of prematurely doing without his “only source of comfort in life.”

Fear of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

When he and I spoke he was quite candid about the torment that he felt and that he believed himself to be “trapped in a curse” that would end up with him “just like his father” who he described as a “bad alcoholic”. He was clear that he was hurting both emotionally and physically as a result of his drinking but was calling mainly to find out if he had any obligation to get help if, “in fact”, he was the only one who was suffering.  I tried to convince him that it was unlikely that he was the only one in pain but the testimony he delivered from his wife, who was listening in the background, was quite convincing.  “Neither she nor the children were being directly hurt by his drinking.” I was not able to empower him to consider his personal distress as warranting help or being a reason to stop drinking.  He was trapped in the self-fulfilling prophecy that many children of alcoholic homes find themselves in.  He was far more injured by his father’s drinking then his own and was hell bent on never hurting others or becoming as bad as his father.  This self-fulfilling prophecy typically makes it very challenging for the child of an addictive home to look in the mirror.  In his logic system, the only way that he could avoid becoming just like his father was to never need to get help for his drinking and as far as he was concerned he was managing the personal physical and emotional consequences “just fine”.

Well, I am sure you could see how flawed his reasoning was.  He did not count the problems he was causing himself or the fact that he was living in the terror of becoming the man his father was as a basis for concern.  The only reason to stop drinking or get help, as he saw it, was if his drinking or behavior was injuring someone else.  Thus far the reports from his wife were clear; she did not feel injured by him and thought he was the greatest father she had ever met.  Unfortunately for her and her husband, she also grew up in a tumultuous home with two alcoholic parents and her husband was so different from her father or mother.  She had actually explored that issue quite extensively when they were dating.  Her husband was a happy drunk and would never be a problem!  My call with him ended when I agreed with him that he was entitled to endure as much deprivation and self-injury as he chose provided that he was not suicidal or homicidal.  I also encouraged him to examine the reason for drinking regardless of the fact that it was causing him pain.  Unfortunately, the caution fell on deaf ears. Fortunately for him and his wife, there were two other sets of ears listening to the phone conversation.

 

The Relapse Process Causes Pain – Whether We Talk About it or Not!

A few weeks later I received a follow-up email of sorts to the conversation that ended without a resolution for change.  The email was actually from the man’s 14 year old daughter who had been eavesdropping on her parents conversation with me and wanted to share the observations that had troubled her and her little brother.  The teenager relayed that the following concerns she and her brother were having for both their parents in an effort to get them some help.

Dear Mr. Leadem,

I am ashamed of telling you that me and my little brother were listening in on the whole conversation my parents had with you about a week ago.  I would have written sooner but it took a while to find you on the internet.  And a while longer to get up the courage to write. Sorry I could not call I was too afraid. Since my father put the call on the speaker we could hear everything that was being said.  I know it was rude to be such a sneak but something has to be done.  Timmy and I want you to know what we think.  You can use this information however you want but we hope that you please do something.  Here is the stuff that is bothering us.

• Daddy is happy when he has been drinking but cries by himself when the lights are out and he thinks no one is around
• Mommy, Daddy and my poppy (her maternal grandfather) and father are drinking together during a cook out at the house and she cries later when she is by herself
• The only time our parents fight is when Daddy has been drinking. They don’t hit each other but they both look real afraid and Timmy and I are afraid too but we do not know what we are afraid of.  It is like one day they are going to get divorced and we are going to lose our family
• Timmy cries every night when he is saying his prayers and his prayers always end with please God help my Dad stop drinking
• Daddy never seems to want to play with us anymore and we have been trying but we cannot seem to be fun enough for him to play with. Timmy thinks he does not want to play with him because he cannot hit the baseball or he is too small to make a basket.
• He seems like he is not proud of us but we keep trying.
• Mommy seems sad all the time and Daddy never asks her what is wrong. When we are sad he always asks us but we do not tell him the truth.
• About a month ago I was sneaking in Daddy’s office I am sorry and found a book with his writing in it where he said please God do not let me be like my father. Do not let me be a drunk and a loser.
• Daddy is not a loser so Timmy and I never tell him why we are sad cause we do not want him to feel bad. He calls himself a drunk and a loser and an alcoholic when he is crying and we do not want him to feel bad so we keep our sad stuff to ourselves.

I do not know if this stuff will help you to help him but please call him.

Thanks

Wendy and Timmy

Answer the Siren, Even When It’s Less than Traditional

It is not our practice to respond to the inquiries of a minor without a parent or guardian present so we did not reply.  When I stopped crying I called Wendy and Timmy’s parents from the number we had on our caller ID and explained that their children were deeply concerned and were trying to intervene.  Both Bob and Mary began to cry as I read the email I had received.  Bob was quickly convinced that he was not the only one suffering and Mary was startled by the realization that she had not avoided the curse of her own family but had been obscuring it with a powerful delusional memory system.

I agreed to meet with Bob and Mary the next day provided that they would invite their children to participate in portions of the initial evaluation.  Bob protested claiming that he is the “only one with a problem and he would come by himself to fix things.” He agreed to a family meeting when I explained that it was time that all of the passengers in the car accident that has been developing were entitled to first aid. He reluctantly agreed and our meeting the next day set the stage for a protracted family intervention using our intervention model Raising the Bottoms^©. 

Following the intervention Bob and Mary began work on our relapse prevention course, that intentionally involved both of the children, when appropriate, to help in the identification of relapse symptoms and for the development of several family based intervention strategies.  Today the family is thriving in recovery and the credit goes to the courageous hearts of two children who were willing to blow the storm whistle. I will be forever grateful to the clients and families that have taught me over the years to answer the siren when it is blown even when the circumstances are less than traditional.

For more information about this awesome family follow up with our intervention blog article that will be available in the coming weeks.

If we can help you to develop your comfort level and skill set for involving the entire family in the recovery process, please feel free to contact us.

 

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See our book: An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention

 

Related Article(s)

Raising the Bottoms^©

How Can Family Intervene in Addiction? The Importance of the Intervention Team

How to Avoid Relapse? How to Put a Relapse Prevention Technique Into Action

What is Relapse? What is Relapse Prevention?

About the Authors

Both John and Shawn Leadem are Licensed Clinical Social Workers in private practice in Toms River, New Jersey.

John has recently celebrated his 45th year in recovery and believes that “service to others is the cornerstone of spiritual maturity.” His professional service to addicted individuals and their families has included the development and direction of addiction treatment services in a full array of modalities from half-way houses to large residential treatment facilities over the past 44 years.

Shawn’s lifelong exposure to the recovery culture and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change. He has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and as a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals.

Together, John and Shawn have co-authored and brought their unique treatment model of relapse prevention, An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, to residential treatment centers across the United States, they have trained therapists at numerous national and international conferences, and most recently have trained many EAP programs associated with many State Unions.

Copyright, John Leadem & Shawn Leadem, 2018

You are free to copy this article for future reference, to post it on other web sites and to share it with family or friends.  If you would like to have permission to include it in a publication of your own you can request written permission by contacting the authors at www.leademcounseling.com.

 

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