Relapse Prevention
A Family Affair – Part III
In this article we will explain the input we received from the children of an addict who had the courage to voice their concern. We will highlight how it was integrated into the couple’s relapse prevention plan, or I guess I should say, the Family’s Relapse Prevention Plan. The children were the co-authors. But before we begin let’s remind you of how we got here.
We initially received a call at Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services from a man who was looking for an endorsement of his belief that he could not be an addict if he was the only one in his family that was being hurt by his drinking. Weeks later, when we were remember our unsuccessful attempt to help him that his family might be hiding their pain from him, we received an email.
The email came from the man’s children who had been listening in on his call and wanted us to hear how they saw things. They were in pain and they could feel their father’s pain. Our follow up contact with the man eventually brought him and his family to our offices following an intervention using our Raising the Bottoms© intervention model which enables the entire family to get help. We will post a follow up article describing the intervention process his family and friends were trained to use to get the man through his self-delusion that he was the only one who was getting hurt. This article is intended to showcase the contribution his children Timmy and Wendy made to their Dad’s relapse prevention plan.
After Bob and Mary completed the therapeutic assignments together that evolve into the final plan they invited the Timmy and Wendy in for a family session. The aim of the family session was to gather the children’s input on how they had observed their father behaving during each of the phases in the relapse process. The children received an age appropriate orientation to each of the phases. Samples of their contribution are provided below under the headings for each of the phases. Please refer back to the previous article, “Children See & Hear – So They Should Speak” for a reminder of the phasic process.
A Child’s View of the Relapse Process
Uncomfortable Feelings:
Timmy: It is hard to say what I might fit in this phase because Dad was always uncomfortable before he stopped drinking. Now he is fun to be around. He was always grumpy before and Mom was always crying. It was hard.
Wendy: I started to figure out that Dad was the most miserable before he started an evening of drinking and the next day when he would decide to stop drinking.
Time Travel:
Timmy: Sometimes my Dad would act like such a baby. Everything had to go his way. It was so hard for us because we were always trying to figure out how to keep him calm especially when he talked about his childhood. It was like we were the parents and he was the kid. I guess his Dad hurt him a lot too.
Wendy: My Dad often seemed like he was trapped in the past. He was always talking about how things were going to be different for his kids. It was not different for us — sorry Dad. The worst times were when we were visiting our grandparents. He would generally go off by himself and sit in a dark room and not talk to anyone. I could never figure out why he insisted that we go every Sunday. He and Mom would fight all the way home and then he would go off and drink by himself. I am guessing that our visits to his parents remind him of what it was like to be a kid.
Fragmentation:
Timmy: It is really confusing to me when I listen to my Dad talk to his friends or the neighbors about me. He acts like he is so proud of me, but I never feel it. I wonder if he is lying because even though he is not drinking anymore he still does not like doing things with me. I wish I could be the son in the stories he tells to his AA friends.
Wendy: Dad is still a very confusing person. He is more confusing than I am, and I am a teenager. I don’t want it to sound like I am not happy that he and Mom are not fighting anymore or that I am not really grateful that he stopped drinking. I am really thankful. We still do not talk much, and I find myself a bit jealous of how close he is to the members of his home group. I don’t know what the problem is. Perhaps I am not being supportive enough. He says he loves me but I don’t feel it so much. He always seems uncomfortable around Timmy and I. It is as if we remind him of how bad things used to be in our house.
Gathering Justification:
Timmy:Dad has changed in a bunch of ways. He does not yell anymore and Wendy and I don’t find him sleeping on the floor of the kitchen anymore. That is great. He really used to scare me. I don’t know if he is doing so well though because he is still pretty angry at stupid stuff. When we are driving he yells at other drivers because they are stupid. When we in the back yard working he is always talking about our neighbors’ tree dropping leaves in our yard. Doesn’t he know that the wind moves the leaves? I love our neighbors’ tree and wish we had one like it in our yard so he can build me a fort. We had one that was awesome, but he cut it down because of the leaves it dropped. It would have been a great tree fort. And another thing that bothers me is the way he acts when he comes to my baseball game. He is so embarrassing when he starts yelling at the umpire for the calls he makes. He did not act that way when he first stopped drinking.
Wendy: Daddy is much more friendly at home with Mom, Timmy and I but is still uncomfortable to be around at times. Like, when he is watching the news he gets so angry he begins to curse until Mom asks him to stop. He does not stop. He continues to talk to himself about how the President is ruining the country. It is uncomfortable for me when he watches the news because he talks and argues with the news people like he used to do when he and his friends at the bar would talk politics. I did not like being with him at the bar and I don’t like watching the news with him now. I try to say something to him but he just says that I’d understand when I get older. I am getting older but I still don’t understand why he watches news. Is he just trying to get upset?
Eliminating the Witnesses
Timmy: My Dad used to come to me when I would lose a friend and try to make me feel better. What he said never made me feel better. He would say “you don’t need friends when you have family” and tell me how he will happy without having friends. Before Dad got sober he did not have any friends. When he stopped drinking and started going to those meetings he called other men his friends and he seemed pretty happy. My Dad has been complaining a lot to my Mom about the jerks at the meetings. I’m wondering if he is losing his friends. It does not feel good. I hope he is ok.
Wendy: During our intervention my father cried a lot. It was sad to see him crying but I liked it better than he usually acted. He listened while we talked to him about what we were going to change and how we would like him to get better too. I never saw him listen for so long. It was amazing. He was usually arguing with people before the intervention. He always said everyone else was stupid and he was smart. I don’t know how you can have friends when you think everyone else is a moron. He is pretty smart but he is back to arguing with people, even the mail man and he is the nicest guy in the world. He is acting like he does not want any friends again.
Dry Drunk
Timmy: I am still not sure what it means but Dad has not gotten drunk yet and that is a great thing.
Wendy: I am also glad that Daddy has not gotten drunk but the way he has been acting is pretty bad. I hope he does not give up all that he has accomplished. I have been so proud of him but I am afraid.
Encourage Children to Speak and You Might Benefit from Their Wisdom
Timmy and Wendy are awesome kids who have found their voice and are not afraid to use it in service to people that they care about. The session ended with their dad in tears again and that was just fine for Wendy. She likes her Dad better when he is soft and the contribution that she and Timmy made to her father’s plan set the stage for meaningful amendments to the plan. We met with their parents following the family session to re-examine the couple’s relapse prevention planthe two of them invested a great deal of energy into
The children’s contribution would have been lost if we did not encourage their parents to engage them in the healing process. Their dad had spent many years promising that he would never end up like his father and his children helped that promise come to fulfill.
The family is doing well and the children are thriving. Their story is one of many that we have combined to protect the identity of any one family but any one of the composite family members we have worked with would tell you the same thing. The whole family is greater than the sum of its parts and should not be treated as individually exclusive members.
See our book: An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention
Related Article(s)
Relapse Prevention: A Family Affair
Relapse Prevention: A Family Affair (Part II): Children See & Hear, So They Should Speak
What is Relapse? What is Relapse Prevention?
About the Authors
Both John and Shawn Leadem are Licensed Clinical Social Workers in private practice in Toms River, New Jersey.
John has recently celebrated his 45th year in recovery and believes that “service to others is the cornerstone of spiritual maturity.” His professional service to addicted individuals and their families has included the development and direction of addiction treatment services in a full array of modalities from half-way houses to large residential treatment facilities over the past 44 years.
Shawn’s lifelong exposure to the recovery culture and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change. He has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and as a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals.
Together, John and Shawn have co-authored and brought their unique treatment model of relapse prevention, An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, to residential treatment centers across the United States, they have trained therapists at numerous national and international conferences, and most recently have trained many EAP programs associated with many State Unions.
Copyright, John Leadem & Shawn Leadem, 2018
You are free to copy this article for future reference, to post it on other web sites and to share it with family or friends. If you would like to have permission to include it in a publication of your own you can request written permission by contacting the authors at www.leademcounseling.com.
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