A Season of Gratitude
This article is a compilation of a week-long meditation series written for One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples, which Elaine and I published in 2010.
There are a great many challenges to the security of a romantic relationship. The fears of our past life experiences may threaten the safety that we feel with each other. The demands that are placed on our available time sometimes make it difficult for us to commit either quality or quantity time to our union which would promote mutual security. The projections we have regarding our ability to handle the economic vulnerabilities of career or childrearing obligations that await us can seem overwhelming at times. Sometimes, these and other challenges will leave you or your partner unsure of the value of your romantic relationship and can create a wall between your relationship and the God of your understanding. Any shadow that blocks out your God’s warmth will leave the relationship cold and dry. But it does not have to end up that way.
Finding the Value in Your Union
Your union, if it is of God, has great value to you and others. If either of you have begun to question the benefit of your union, take some time to examine the contributions your relationship has made to your lives and the lives of those you have touched. Perhaps your communication or honesty need some fine-tuning, but a “dry” period does not have to create a division. Look closely at the blessings that both of you have received as a result of trying to serve your God. Examine carefully the gifts that your union has given to those who have been close to you. If a state of gratitude is difficult to obtain on your own, ask your partner what he or she is grateful for and you will be inspired. It can be difficult to focus on or count your blessings that flow from your romance but if you work at it your romantic strength will grow.
Over the years we have spoken to many couples about the importance of sharing their innermost needs and experiences with each other, as it fosters a depth of trust of which many of us have been deprived. It is equally important, however, to regularly share your gratitude for your partner directly to him or her. It is easy to take for granted that our partner, who knows our secrets, must know how grateful we are for what he or she has brought to our life. We are confident that the times of deep sharing have contained the kind of dialogue that would sufficiently communicate to our partner how important he or she is to us. Why, we ask, must we remind our partner of his or her importance to us? He or she must certainly know by now!
While these are understandable questions that many have posed, we believe that our love of and gratitude for each other should not be taken for granted.
Gratitude is the Gift that Keeps on Giving
Sharing our gratitude with our partner is much more than saying “thank you” to him or her. When you take the time to prepare a list of those qualities in your partner for which you are particularly grateful, you will be affirming the risks your partner has taken to fully commit himself or herself to the relationship. If you support the list with specific examples of when you benefited from each of those qualities, you will provide your partner with a clear picture of the way in which a Higher Power is working through him or her to touch the lives of others. This confirmation of being a spiritual vessel in service to others will provide your partner with the basis for personal gratitude at times when he or she is feeling low. Gratitude is a gift that keeps on giving. We often receive push-back from couples who would like to believe that the challenges and struggles of their age group or ethnic culture make them unique and that the principles that we have proposed do not suit them.
Every generation has known periods of fear and pessimism. The rich and the poor all struggle with insecurity. There are always challenges whether they are tied to ethnic or religious practices or socio-economic conditions. Our time is no different than the other periods in history when people feared for their economic security and personal safety. Every day, broadcast news and print media focus our attention on what is wrong in the world and enhance our sense of vulnerability. It is good to be informed about the world we live in, but there will be times when the plethora of shock and awe that we are exposed to leaves us feeling impotent and focused on what we are missing, and not on what we have. But, the insecurities of life do not have to permeate your romantic relationship.
We are in Control of Our Behavior
A state of gratitude generates a calming sense of security as it promotes a feeling of fulfillment. A decision to behave as a person with gratitude requires that you take positive assertive action toward the development of security for others. You have a great deal to be grateful for in your love relationship that, when shared with others, can serve as a taproot for them to develop hope. Behave as a person of gratitude. Refuse to listen to or participate in gossip. Ignore opportunities to relate sensational news stories to others who will be emotionally burdened by them. Highlight the positive qualities in the lives of the people that you know. Let those who are struggling know you care through your sacrifice of time and talent. Bring your relationship’s gratitude to those who have none in a way that gives them hope for their future. Behaving in a way that displays gratitude leaves you feeling more grateful. It can be helpful to all involved to share hope because life can be full of uncertainty and hope will reduce the threat of unresolved questions.
Life sometimes seems like a long string of unanswered questions. When we are uncertain and fearful about the outcome of an important event, whether it is related to health, finances, romance or some other critical area of our life situation, we tend to feel like there is something that we should do. We are frequently completely powerless over a particular outcome or the time it takes to receive the news. We can push, prod, argue and demand but we are, in reality, in control of very little other than our own behavior. How we behave when we are fearful or anxious about some unknown will affect our body, mind, and spirit. Many of us learned, by example, to worry when we were uncertain or fearful. The act of worrying was presented to us as if it were an actual “something” that we could do about a situation over which we had no real control. Some of us even learned that a person worried about another person because they loved that person. That made for a very confusing mess for the unspoken implication was: “if you do not worry then you must not love.” Do not be disturbed if you struggle with achieving a state of gratitude. It can be quite a challenge.
There is No Need for a “Gratitude Stick”
Gratitude is not an emotional state that we can be made to feel even though some members of the “sobriety police force” believe that they are in charge of enforcing the law. It is not uncommon to hear that someone who was feeling emotionally stuck in recovery was accosted by a fellowship member and beat with the “gratitude stick” because they were complaining and should have been grateful. Whether or not the sufferer had reason to be grateful or not is really beside the point. When we are distraught, it is not comforting to be shamed by a recovery peer into covering up the distress and pretending to be grateful. Those who choose to impose gratitude on others would appear to be acting on their own behalf. If your partner’s emotional or spiritual condition is causing you distress, get help for yourself before you try to help your partner. If you encounter a lack of gratitude in others, make a decision to show them the way rather than beat them up.
The way to gratitude is faith. Faith would appear to be a product of having gone through difficult times with the help of my Higher Power and support group. Moving through pain or distress with the help of those who love me teaches me to rely on a power outside of myself. I may not think that I can handle it, but I have come to trust that I can. When you encounter distress in those you care for, meet them where they are, share your experience and faith, and you will give rise to gratitude.
This is the season of the year where you are likely to encounter a great many people on either the side of gratitude or ingratitude. Your vote counts and will have a wide ranging impact. Vote wisely.
See our books:
One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples
Awakening to Your Soulmate: A Decision to be IN Love
Related Article(s)
No Longer in Love? – Perhaps You Need to Get IN
About the Authors
Both John and Shawn Leadem are Licensed Clinical Social Workers in private practice in Toms River, New Jersey.
John has recently celebrated his 45th year in recovery and believes that “service to others is the cornerstone of spiritual maturity.” His professional service to addicted individuals and their families has included the development and direction of addiction treatment services in a full array of modalities from half-way houses to large residential treatment facilities over the past 44 years.
Shawn’s lifelong exposure to the recovery culture and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change. He has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and as a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals.
Together, John and Shawn have co-authored and brought their unique treatment model of relapse prevention, An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, to residential treatment centers across the United States, they have trained therapists at numerous national and international conferences, and most recently have trained many EAP programs associated with many State Unions.
Copyright, John Leadem & Shawn Leadem, 2018
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