Empathetic Service
This article is a compilation of a week-long meditation series written for One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples, which Elaine and I published in 2010.
Empathetic service is required if we are to be as true to others as we are to ourselves. We speak a great deal about empathy in our writing. One of the 20thcentury’s most celebrated humanitarians and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Albert Schweitzer, was one of the guiding forces in the way that we began to understand empathetic service.
His premise served as a valuable grounding point in our pursuit of the knowledge of God’s
will for us and the power to carry that out:
“The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.”
~ Albert Schweitzer ~
This is a great quote, as I am sure you will agree, but quite a tall order for ordinary humans, like ourselves, especially considering the reality that our brokenness left us more than a little bit out of the ordinary. If you have known personal shortcomings than you will understand what we are talking about. If you call us and tell us of your experience, you will be practicing empathetic service especially if we are not feeling particularly productive that day. But for sure, you will have plenty of opportunity to engage in this type of service with your romantic partner. Yes, we know it can be more challenging to practice this philosophy with a “high risk” person but the returns will outweigh the cost to you. We promise.
All of us, at times, find it terribly difficult to empathize with the pain of a loved one without slipping into judgment, criticism, or frustrating efforts to fix our partner. We feel justified in our frustration and growing intolerance because our partner does not appear to be doing much to help themselves. Our efforts to help are often rebuffed and we generally decide it is “not our place to say anything.”
Be a Part of the Solution, Not Part of the Problem
It is easy to get resentful about your inability to contribute to your partner’s recovery. In the past, many of your efforts to be helpful have fallen on a deaf ear. Your partner seems ready to accept input from a stranger before being willing to listen to what you have to say, but why? Oftentimes it is not the content of the material we are discussing that will be unsettling for our partner, but the way in which we are attempting to deliver the information. All too often our delivery is spoiled by the feelings associated with experiences in which we were hurt by our partner or others. We may not be initially aware of the presence of these resentments, but they can be awakened in us when our partner gets defensive about what we are saying. If you want to be a part of the solution rather than contributing to the problem, you will need to examine and resolve past resentments about your partner’s resistance to your help. A thorough processing of aspects of your 6thand 7thStep work that impact your relationship will usually be of immense value.
We are quite aware that learning how to detach from the problems and mood swings of a partner can be a difficult task. Do not be discouraged. If we learned to do it in a meaningful way then you can too. Unfortunately, detachment is understood by many to involve a “disconnection” from the lives of our mates when they are troubled. We do not want you to disconnect. We want you to remain connected through service. We are sure you are asking, “how do I serve my partner in a way that shows my love for them rather than my responsibility for them? “
You Cannot Control the Outcome
It is easy to say that the emotional and spiritual well-being of your partner is not your problem. However, such a position of complete separation will rob your partner of needed love, support and insight. Instead of totally disconnecting, you may be able to help at one of these crucial times with gentle and rigorous honesty. This does not suggest that it is acceptable for your partner to blame you for the qualities of his or her life or that you are responsible for making it better. We are encouraging your involvement in the solution, not asking you to fix the problem. You can be helpful by sharing your concerns, experience, strength, and hope without trying to control the outcome. A healthy balance can be obtained that lies somewhere in between being totally disconnected and being the “fixer.” Because we have found that we are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution in relationships, we have learned to be responsible first to our Higher Power and then to each other. Do not post the blame. Do not accept the blame. But more importantly, do not ignore your responsibility. Detachment is not a break of contact or a separation.
Calling Experience, Strength and Hope. Advice Not Welcome
It has been said, “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress.” Yet when we see a partner in physical, emotional, or spiritual pain, we often look desperately to find ways to “fix it.” If it is true that we grow when we hurt, why am I so quick to intervene in the life of a loved one? What can I do to allow them their own journey through the pain?
When you choose not to hide your concerns from your partner, you have made a loving decision. Your partner needs your insights as much as you need theirs. Be cautious, however, because your partner needs your experience, strength, and hope, and not your advice. If you have your partner’s permission to relate your personal experience and you deliver your concerns in a loving and nonjudgmental way, you can be of great service. If you barge in and impose your solution on your partner, he or she is likely to see you as part of the problem and retaliate. The most loving part of your action will be your decision, once you have shared your concern, to leave your partner to process the input with the God of his or her understanding. He or she may seek the support of fellow sufferers or professionals.
Many recovering relationships are riddled with pain from the devastation of alcoholism and other forms of obsessive dependencies. The presence of pain during the active days of active disease is understandable. However, many of us fear that the pain we encounter as we try to mend the wounded relationship is an omen of failure. How do I continue to work on my relationship despite the fear I have of the pain we are experiencing?
Change Often Requires Pain
Many newcomers to recovery are taught early on that “pain is the touchstone of all spiritual recovery” because it is hoped that they will understand that recovery is not going to be all sweetness and light. It is important to maintain gratitude for all that recovery has given you but remember that change often requires pain. Pain is viewed by many members to be the stepping off point to spiritual progress. A closer look at the origin of the word “touchstone” may reveal more. A “touchstone” is meant to be a standard for measuring the quality of something. In the past, a hard black stone, such as jasper or basalt, was used to test the quality of gold or silver by comparing the streak left on the stone by one of these metals with that of a standard alloy. Thought of in this way, the “touchstone” of pain and the way we cope with it is a wonderful way of measuring the depth or quality of our spiritual lives together.
We understand that serving your partner in an empathetic way may generate post-traumatic memories of sources of deprivation in your own life. It is easy to become jealous of your romantic partners’ partner. Yes, we know that seems confusing but it is not really. When we love or serve another it is common to be reminded of times in our past where and when our needs were ignored by those we came to expect would never fail us. We assure you that your service to others will fill your own bank. The more you give away the more you will have.
We hope you enjoy this introduction to our work. If you are interested in more please follow the link to purchase our meditation course.
See our books:
One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples
Awakening to Your Soulmate: A Decision to be IN Love
Related Article(s)
No Longer in Love? – Perhaps You Need to Get IN
About the Authors
Both John and Shawn Leadem are Licensed Clinical Social Workers in private practice in Toms River, New Jersey.
John has recently celebrated his 48th year in recovery and believes that “service to others is the cornerstone of spiritual maturity.” His professional service to addicted individuals and their families has included the development and direction of addiction treatment services in a full array of modalities from half-way houses to large residential treatment facilities over the past 45 years.
Shawn’s lifelong exposure to the recovery culture and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change. He has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and as a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals.
Together, John and Shawn have co-authored and brought their unique treatment model of relapse prevention, An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, to residential treatment centers across the United States, they have trained therapists at numerous national and international conferences, and most recently have trained many EAP programs associated with many State Unions.
Copyright, John Leadem & Shawn Leadem, 2019
You are free to copy this article for future reference, to post it on other web sites and to share it with family or friends. If you would like to have permission to include it in a publication of your own you can request written permission by contacting the authors at www.leademcounseling.com.
[apss-share networks="facebook, twitter, google-plus, pinterest, linkedin" counter="0" total_counter="0" http_count="1"]
No Comments Yet | Post Comment
You can be the first to comment!
Leave a comment