Starting A New Year
This article is a compilation of a week-long meditation series written for One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples, which Elaine and I published in 2010.
The recovery journey began for John in 1971 and Elaine in 1975. Our personal and marital paths have included a good many detours and potholes, not to mention the times in which each of us were cruising along without a care only to find it necessary to rethink our plans when we came upon a sign reading BRIDGE OUT. We needed to find another way across the emotional river currents that threatened our relationship. You can read more about that much needed detour in Awakening to Your Soul Mate: A Decision to Be IN Love (2015). Our journey has been anything but smooth. But, I am not sure why we thought it would be.
We were immature and traumatized children with a great deal to learn about ourselves and eventually about sharing our recovery with each other. The injuries we had endured and those we caused others and our marriage were the focus of many shared recovery moments that developed during our morning meditations. We intellectually understood that hurt people hurt people and came to experience at both emotional and spiritual levels the hopeful reality that hurt people could help one another heal if they were both IN. We each came into recovery seeking healing from our substance related addictions in both the roles of addict and children of alcoholic parents. We remained open to addressing other addictive illnesses that surfaced during the course of our early union and have known the warm reception as beginners at a variety of 12 Step fellowships.
More Than A New Year’s Resolution
If you and your partner find the road a bit challenging at times, please do not despair. There is help available, but it will require a bit more than a New Year’s resolution. You are likely to need to consider a great many changes in your behavioral interactions that require a close examination of your individual philosophy for living. Here are some focal points for you to consider.
The challenges involved in nurturing a committed relationship can appear at times to be overwhelming. When we are overloaded it is easy to develop a distorted perception of our relationship. When we are too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, it can seem like our partner is not measuring up. If our day begins with the view of life as a glass that is half empty, conflicts are bound to develop with people we encounter during the day, especially people with whom we are intimate. A day that begins with life as a glass half empty is apt to drive us for more of everything else. When we struggle with the concept of just how much is enough we are going to have unreasonable expectations of our partner. We are not suggesting that your expectations are too high or that you need to be satisfied with less. Rather, we are suggesting that all too often we expect our romantic partner to provide a disproportionate share of our emotional needs.
When it appears that we are stuck with a half empty glass we are going to assume that those who are supposed to care for us are not doing their job. It is common to decide that our partner is to blame. If, we find ourselves thinking, “if only my partner would…” it is time for self-examination. No person can be the “problem” with my life. Nor can any one person be the “solution” to the problems of my life. A life or a relationship that is viewed as half empty is headed toward empty.
Starting the Day the Right Way
Additionally, the demands of life can sometimes make for a frightening start to a day. Even though most of us retire at night with an expectation for the coming day, there can be much about the day that is unknown. Whether you awake with an expectation that the day will hold challenges or promise, the unknown variables can generate anxiety and fear. We can easily slip into preoccupation with problems of the past rather than anticipation for the promise of the future because most of us tend to project negative outcomes rather than positive ones. There could be much about the day that is outside of our control, but we do not need to face it alone. If you have identified that changes will need to be made in this day, stop and ask for the power along with the courage to change the things you can and accept those you cannot. We cannot control the future, but we do not need to face it alone. Self-sufficiency is not the answer to the disappointment of emotional needs not being met by the people we expect to have the fix.
Each new day or chapter of our life brings the promise of change and growth. While change is not a choice, whether or not we grow in this day is. What we need to remember is that coasting along in a romance that is “good enough” is going to lead to a problem because the only direction that water or the travelers on it can flow is downhill. The strength available to a relationship that places itself in your Higher Power’s hands through common prayer is like a wellspring. There will always be change because we are always moving either backwards or forwards. It is easier to move forward during challenging times if you take your partner’s hand. It is not always so easy to know what the next right thing to do is. Our past experience and future projections will issue a warning howl of DANGER. It can be hard to remain in the present because there will be many distractions.
The Importance of Making Prayer and Meditation a Priority
We all find it difficult at times to quiet the noise in our head when listening for our Higher Power’s will for us. It is easy to drift during times of meditation and reflection. Our spirit may desire a calm start to the day, but there “never seems to be enough time.” The maintenance of a time for prayer and meditation can seem, at times, to be a daunting task. The needs of our family and friends and the obligations related to work and chores can consume a great deal of our waking hours. Making a spiritual connection with the God of our understanding can seem self-indulgent given the extensive TO DO list some of us have written before even waking. We have tried, to no avail, to force prayer and meditation into our hectic schedules. No matter how many times we professed a new resolution to make time for meditative reflection and prayer, we found ourselves breaking the commitment.
In order to maintain a healthy prayer and meditation life we would need to adjust our priorities and fit our lives around our prayer and meditation times instead of attempting to fit our prayer and meditation time into our schedule. When the early thoughts of the day are focused on ways of being of service to our Higher Power, our fellows and our romantic partner the day has far fewer potholes. Maintaining a union with our partner during meditation time will help us to remain focused. We will have an easier time remaining grounded during the day when the day begins with a physical connection to a loved one of similar commitment. Holding hands during reflection time opens up the channel clogged by the things of the world to the knowledge of our Higher Power’s will for us.
It is common for us to lose sight of the commitment we made at the start of the day. A day can blitz by in a flash and the emotional connection we made with our partner at the start can be lost before lunchtime. The lost connection can make it impossible for you to be of service to your partner. Taking time out during the day to reflect on the morning bond that began with shared prayer and meditation or the sharing of a reading will reunite you with your partner. Keeping your partner close at heart during the day can serve as a great source of support and security. Praying for him or her during the course of the day will yield great benefits. The tasks of the day are important, we know that, but we promise that your productivity will increase as your thoughtfulness for others remains constant.
See our books:
One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples
Awakening to Your Soulmate: A Decision to be IN Love
Related Article(s)
No Longer in Love? – Perhaps You Need to Get IN
About the Authors
Both John and Shawn Leadem are Licensed Clinical Social Workers in private practice in Toms River, New Jersey.
John has recently celebrated his 48th year in recovery and believes that “service to others is the cornerstone of spiritual maturity.” His professional service to addicted individuals and their families has included the development and direction of addiction treatment services in a full array of modalities from half-way houses to large residential treatment facilities over the past 45 years.
Shawn’s lifelong exposure to the recovery culture and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change. He has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and as a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals.
Together, John and Shawn have co-authored and brought their unique treatment model of relapse prevention, An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, to residential treatment centers across the United States, they have trained therapists at numerous national and international conferences, and most recently have trained many EAP programs associated with many State Unions.
Copyright, John Leadem & Shawn Leadem, 2019
You are free to copy this article for future reference, to post it on other web sites and to share it with family or friends. If you would like to have permission to include it in a publication of your own you can request written permission by contacting the authors at www.leademcounseling.com.
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