‘Tis the Season
This article is a compilation of a week-long meditation series written for One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples, which Elaine and I published in 2010.
Each of us draws a mental picture when the phrase “holiday season” is introduced. For many, the image is a happy one filled with rich tradition and hope for renewal. Others dread the coming of the holidays because the images are dark or chaotic. Especially during the holiday season, many will attempt to produce the behavior and mood that others expect of them. Still others will be attempting to paint their own personal portrait of expectations into the minds of those they love. Whatever your experience, many couples encounter a great deal of stress in their relationships during the holidays. Many relationships have come to expect the agitation and the disagreements. It does not have to be that way. It is important to remember that in spite of the traditions you have enjoyed or dreaded there are no rules.
There Are No Rules
There are no rules for how to behave during the holiday celebrations. You and your partner can share time-honored traditions or make up new ones. Your family may have rigid expectations of how the holidays are to be celebrated, but you do not have to be directed by the pictures that others have. Take time to discuss what the experiences of days past were like and what about them you would like to change. The emotional scrapbook you have contains many pictures that you can replace if the two of you have the mind to do so. Take the risk to celebrate one holiday with NO RULES! Actually, perhaps just one rule — DON’T SHOULD ON YOURSELF regardless of what the ghosts of holidays past might have to say.
For those of you who have holiday ghosts that haunt your plans for changing your emotional scrapbook, consider challenging the painful memories that attempt to leave you fearful of celebrations yet to come. “But how,” you ask, “can I get out from underneath the shadow of the horrors that I have experienced?” For those with holiday ghosts related to religious and secular holidays, it can be difficult to smile because the ghouls are likely to remind us of what we have failed to achieve or receive during a time of year when others appear to be celebrating. Our holiday celebrations or religious observances sometimes fail to offer the freedom from our trials we seek. They can be commercial times of expected gift giving and resolutions that will never be kept. Some ask, “Why bother? The holidays are to be endured, not enjoyed.” Again, you do have to honor the will of your trauma. You can make a new story.
The horrors you have known derive their power to ruin your future holidays from the pain and resentment you still feel for the experiences you have endured. For many, those holiday memories are tragic, but they need not control our present or future. Share the pain with those you love and resolve the painful memories as a way for making joyful ones. The pain in the past was real, but it will have been for nothing if we do not use it to make changes. Creating new memories requires that we embrace the past for what it was rather than keeping it hidden. We need to let it remind of us of how easily a child’s dream can be broken. If we remember how fragile it is, we will take great care to make holidays special for someone else. When we take those actions to make memories for others, our own pictures are replaced.
Memories Are Best Left As Reminders
The haunting memories of our past can be powerful reminders of past failures or disappointments. When the painful memories hauntus, we tend to approach the holidays with fear and a rigid defensiveness. If we assume that we know what is going to happen and that it is not going to be pleasurable, we brace ourselves for the worst. This fear can set in motion a chain of events that resembles a self-fulfilling prophecy: we expect the worst and it comes. Joyful memories are encouraging reminders of what was and what can be. They, too, can create problems if we assume that a holiday season must replicate the joy in our memory.
Memories are best left as reminders of what was and what could be rather than what must be. Memories do not make for a good script by which to live our lives today. If we live full of fear, we will miss opportunities for peace and happiness. If we approach the season with dread, we will be creating painful future memories for those around us. Look at the past with an understanding that all things can change when you seek to serve rather than merely endure. You will be contributing to the memories you make this year. But you will need gratitude. Yes, we know we have said it a bunch! But without gratitude the light dims to darkness.
It can be difficult to imagine living gratefully for all that has occurred in our lives. That would imply that some of us would need to be grateful for spoiled birthday parties, acts of incestuous abuse, battered limbs, and broken promises. These life experiences, in and of themselves, do not engender feelings of gratitude. These experiences often leave emotional and spiritual wounds that seem to never heal. So, what is there to be grateful for? The holiday season can be a reminder of all that we have to feel bad about. If you choose to close yourself off from the opportunities for healing that await you, you will never rejoice and the holiday season will continue to be a series of events for you to endure. It does not need to be that way.
We Can Choose to Live with a Grateful Heart
You and your mate can change how you live a holiday season. You can thrive rather than just survive or endure. While it is foolish to imagine being grateful for the abuse we endured, it is possible to get to a point where your life experiences can be of value to those who are still suffering, still enduring. It is easy to fall into the emotional trap of believing that we are defined by the way that other people treated us. We are not “damaged goods”; we are goods that were damaged and can be repaired. You can be a victim or a survivor, the choice is yours. No matter your choice, the path is not easy. Look this season to share your story with someone that will feel less soiled by knowing that you are recovering. Be grateful for the opportunities your injuries give you to be of service to others and you will be living grateful. We are not asking you to celebrate your hardships. We are suggesting that the ways that you have learned to cope with those challenges can be of value to otheIt can be difficult to sort through the memories of the past or restrain ourselves from unrealistic expectations for the future, but it is vital that we maintain perspective during the holidays. Perhaps more than other times of the year, our feelings are running high and our coping strategies are being stretched to the max. We should not simply hold our breath and get through it. If we do, we will survive as we usually do. If we hunker down and brace ourselves for the season of joy, we will miss out on the joy. We can cast a shadow onto the lives of those we love or spread some joy, the choice is our own.
We are not suggesting that you pretend to be happy while you go caroling through the streets of your neighborhood. There are countless ways of bringing joy to others during the holiday season. You can offer your time and talents in a wide variety of ways. You can take on the chores others have neglected or do not have the energy or time to perform. You can prepare thoughtful, yet inexpensive gifts that communicate that others are special. You can spread good news about those you know that is a joyful twist on gossiping. You can love someone for who they are rather than trying to manipulate them into who you want them to be. The decision to spread joy will increase your own sense of joy and fulfillment. You do not have to allow the past to control you, but know that it will not withdraw quietly, you must act. Spread the joy in the present, for today is a gift.
See our books:
One in the Spirit: Meditation Course for Recovering Couples
Awakening to Your Soulmate: A Decision to be IN Love
Related Article(s)
No Longer in Love? – Perhaps You Need to Get IN
About the Authors
Both John and Shawn Leadem are Licensed Clinical Social Workers in private practice in Toms River, New Jersey.
John has recently celebrated his 45th year in recovery and believes that “service to others is the cornerstone of spiritual maturity.” His professional service to addicted individuals and their families has included the development and direction of addiction treatment services in a full array of modalities from half-way houses to large residential treatment facilities over the past 44 years.
Shawn’s lifelong exposure to the recovery culture and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change. He has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and as a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals.
Together, John and Shawn have co-authored and brought their unique treatment model of relapse prevention, An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, to residential treatment centers across the United States, they have trained therapists at numerous national and international conferences, and most recently have trained many EAP programs associated with many State Unions.
Copyright, John Leadem & Shawn Leadem, 2018
You are free to copy this article for future reference, to post it on other web sites and to share it with family or friends. If you would like to have permission to include it in a publication of your own you can request written permission by contacting the authors at www.leademcounseling.com.
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